The awakening

After a month long intense anxious anticipation for a sign of relief, on 24th April 2011, the most devasting news for any Sai devotee was out.

He had forced us in to His omnipresence.

That body which housed the Ultimate, That was so beautiful, that was the container of Love, that was the tangible Love was discarded by the Lord.

The days that followed were and will be the most torturous days of our lives.

The sudden and unexpected disappearance of the most Loved one is definitely not

something that anybody can withstand.

Tears flowed...from even the driest of eyes...tears of Love, of gratitude, that washed away sins

of many past births. Tears that cleansed us of our sins, for the Merciful Lord did the same

act of Redemption on Easter.

The stage of transformation was staging another drama, of a significance and impact of totally different order.

I lost myself for many days to come - drowned in an ocean of agony. An irreparable loss

on a personal and emotional level.

Life, all of a sudden had lost all purpose. It  (Life) was so long all for Him, for gaining His grace and

attention, and sans Him, all seemed meaningless.

It was absolutely of no worth living without living with the living god.

I was alive just for one reason- the vital forces did not part with the body - as He willed it.

I had nothing to live for, and nothing to die for also. I was trying hard to be normal and

behave as if nothing had happened, pretending to live up to His teachings - He was never the

body...telling myself, this is just the beginning of my action in His mission, Life shouldn’t

stop here...etc but nothing really worked. NOTHING.

Letters of consolation, messages from friends...all seemed so trivial. Nothing really touched the weeping heart.

It was involuntary to think about Him, and tears welling up in eyes - one question, why such cruelty ?

It felt like a sharp dagger was stabbed into the heart, and was lowered through the chest. Such was

the excruciating pain. Yet I wouldn’t die, and I would be stabbed again and again.

Every precious moment, the very image of love and bliss started to hurt badly. Going to the

“once walked land” was seemingly impossible, for I had basked in His full glory for so many times, and without proper maturity, that place was appearing otherwise.  

That Hall, the center stage for the Universe, to have the Darshan of the Majestic Lord which

healed, cleansed and was the center of waves of Divinity is the same but totally different.

Unable to win over, I though I could escape.

I traveled a lot. Inside and outside as well. Traveled abroad, but the secret pain persisted.

The irony is the memories of Joy and Love He blessed us with, were having the converse effects!

It was not until I was called to Somnath that my healing began. It was an evening on the shores of

a cool winter evening. The main gate is named Digvijay Dwar. It was opened by Him. The long corridor that may devotees walk, was sanctified by Him. He not only opened the gates and showed the path to reach Him but also walked it.

He was there, and I was determined to find Him.

I sat in the main hall of outside the shrine. Vibrations that emanated from Him during Darshan

to touch me. I knew He was there and was feeling Him. For a long

time, i wept, wept, wept, till I exhausted all I stored.

Beautiful music was being played on the flute. It was perfectly like the darshan music.

I thought my ears were ringing, but someone was actually playing on the flute.

The instrument played Sai Bahjana bina suukha shanti nahi, paayoji maine and His other

  favorites. Can this merely be a coincidence? He often said, all coincidents are God incidents.

I was missing Him even more terribly. Missing Him is not the right word. It can only be felt and

experienced, least expressed. A close comparison, looking back is the labor pain experienced by the child, or the wriggling of the butterfly out of its cocoon.

There was complete serenity, inside.  I gently got up. It felt so light. I walked out of the temple. It was the very same soil that

He walked over once. The very same gates that He inaugurated. The proclamation of Victory.

I looked up the Shikhara. It stood tall and temple flag, flying high. It was strongly telling

the power of recreation and that bad experience is not an end.

The cool sea breeze caressed my cheeks that had dried like the clay after a flood.

He wrote once in a poem, when the cool breeze, touches your cheeks, I am caressing you,

Think of me. I broke down again. It was the stabbing pain. I yelled out, are You not aware

of my pain, how i miss you?

I walked around the entire temple. I was filling myself with His presence. The very same soil that bore

His soft foot prints, the very same sea that welcomed Him...It was time to close the temple

and I walked out.

Things did not really improve - apparently. It was sometime later, a few weeks later, that i

was told this, very clearly, in the channel of the Master " You have a responsibility. You

have a goal to live for"

It was only then did i realized that I was getting lost into wild emotions. Emotions that

were not actually true, but mere illusions.

I had set some goals for my life, to put it precisely, He put some goals in this Life,

and i forgot them all.

I had just opened my eyes, to see a more beautiful and magnificent Sai

who is ( was always) Ompiresent and not limited to the physical frame to which i

confined Him to and wept thinking got disappeared.

I realized that like before and always He is protecting me and is with me. Things started

to appear clearer. The clouds that covered the Sun had dissolved.

I know that He is God. Knowing is completely different thing. Now I am getting the actual

taste of it, completely experiencing Him and wondrously admiringly His Glory.

I am more grateful than ever now, I could see, touch and talk to Him when He walked

this earth. I experienced the sweetest and purest Love from the Divine without a doubt.

What else can i ask for? Now by His forced promotion, that is conferred upon me,

I do not need anything to feel Him. He is there all the time with me. I am sure generations to

come will be bitterly envious to us.

He is the very feeling itself. People understood Him in their capacities.

Understanding Him is beyond human capacity. I have understood this!

It is true that we all still miss Him, but it not paining any longer, but a sweet memory that

we all would cherish as long as we stay separated till He calls us back into merger.