Reflection of a 28 y.o

It took me 28 years 10 months realize

01. ALWAYS listen to the voice of conscience. It will exactly tell you the truth.

02. Be loving, no matter what

03. Take risks

04. There is no enemy like jealousy 

05. Read, before its too late. Eyes do dull pretty quick

06. Man's best sex appeal lies in his upright character

07. Give, and let go. If it were to be ours, it will surely return

08. Smile, each one is fighting their own fierce battle 

09. Life is an irreversible process, consumable, and perishable commodity

10. Respect the elderly - their mere presence is a blessing. They have seen life more than I did, and there is something to learn from

11. Men cry, and it is not a sign of weakness, but a sure sign of something higher - Love

12. If you feel for something - ACT, NOW!

The awakening

After a month long intense anxious anticipation for a sign of relief, on 24th April 2011, the most devasting news for any Sai devotee was out.

He had forced us in to His omnipresence.

That body which housed the Ultimate, That was so beautiful, that was the container of Love, that was the tangible Love was discarded by the Lord.

The days that followed were and will be the most torturous days of our lives.

The sudden and unexpected disappearance of the most Loved one is definitely not

something that anybody can withstand.

Tears flowed...from even the driest of eyes...tears of Love, of gratitude, that washed away sins

of many past births. Tears that cleansed us of our sins, for the Merciful Lord did the same

act of Redemption on Easter.

The stage of transformation was staging another drama, of a significance and impact of totally different order.

I lost myself for many days to come - drowned in an ocean of agony. An irreparable loss

on a personal and emotional level.

Life, all of a sudden had lost all purpose. It  (Life) was so long all for Him, for gaining His grace and

attention, and sans Him, all seemed meaningless.

It was absolutely of no worth living without living with the living god.

I was alive just for one reason- the vital forces did not part with the body - as He willed it.

I had nothing to live for, and nothing to die for also. I was trying hard to be normal and

behave as if nothing had happened, pretending to live up to His teachings - He was never the

body...telling myself, this is just the beginning of my action in His mission, Life shouldn’t

stop here...etc but nothing really worked. NOTHING.

Letters of consolation, messages from friends...all seemed so trivial. Nothing really touched the weeping heart.

It was involuntary to think about Him, and tears welling up in eyes - one question, why such cruelty ?

It felt like a sharp dagger was stabbed into the heart, and was lowered through the chest. Such was

the excruciating pain. Yet I wouldn’t die, and I would be stabbed again and again.

Every precious moment, the very image of love and bliss started to hurt badly. Going to the

“once walked land” was seemingly impossible, for I had basked in His full glory for so many times, and without proper maturity, that place was appearing otherwise.  

That Hall, the center stage for the Universe, to have the Darshan of the Majestic Lord which

healed, cleansed and was the center of waves of Divinity is the same but totally different.

Unable to win over, I though I could escape.

I traveled a lot. Inside and outside as well. Traveled abroad, but the secret pain persisted.

The irony is the memories of Joy and Love He blessed us with, were having the converse effects!

It was not until I was called to Somnath that my healing began. It was an evening on the shores of

a cool winter evening. The main gate is named Digvijay Dwar. It was opened by Him. The long corridor that may devotees walk, was sanctified by Him. He not only opened the gates and showed the path to reach Him but also walked it.

He was there, and I was determined to find Him.

I sat in the main hall of outside the shrine. Vibrations that emanated from Him during Darshan

to touch me. I knew He was there and was feeling Him. For a long

time, i wept, wept, wept, till I exhausted all I stored.

Beautiful music was being played on the flute. It was perfectly like the darshan music.

I thought my ears were ringing, but someone was actually playing on the flute.

The instrument played Sai Bahjana bina suukha shanti nahi, paayoji maine and His other

  favorites. Can this merely be a coincidence? He often said, all coincidents are God incidents.

I was missing Him even more terribly. Missing Him is not the right word. It can only be felt and

experienced, least expressed. A close comparison, looking back is the labor pain experienced by the child, or the wriggling of the butterfly out of its cocoon.

There was complete serenity, inside.  I gently got up. It felt so light. I walked out of the temple. It was the very same soil that

He walked over once. The very same gates that He inaugurated. The proclamation of Victory.

I looked up the Shikhara. It stood tall and temple flag, flying high. It was strongly telling

the power of recreation and that bad experience is not an end.

The cool sea breeze caressed my cheeks that had dried like the clay after a flood.

He wrote once in a poem, when the cool breeze, touches your cheeks, I am caressing you,

Think of me. I broke down again. It was the stabbing pain. I yelled out, are You not aware

of my pain, how i miss you?

I walked around the entire temple. I was filling myself with His presence. The very same soil that bore

His soft foot prints, the very same sea that welcomed Him...It was time to close the temple

and I walked out.

Things did not really improve - apparently. It was sometime later, a few weeks later, that i

was told this, very clearly, in the channel of the Master " You have a responsibility. You

have a goal to live for"

It was only then did i realized that I was getting lost into wild emotions. Emotions that

were not actually true, but mere illusions.

I had set some goals for my life, to put it precisely, He put some goals in this Life,

and i forgot them all.

I had just opened my eyes, to see a more beautiful and magnificent Sai

who is ( was always) Ompiresent and not limited to the physical frame to which i

confined Him to and wept thinking got disappeared.

I realized that like before and always He is protecting me and is with me. Things started

to appear clearer. The clouds that covered the Sun had dissolved.

I know that He is God. Knowing is completely different thing. Now I am getting the actual

taste of it, completely experiencing Him and wondrously admiringly His Glory.

I am more grateful than ever now, I could see, touch and talk to Him when He walked

this earth. I experienced the sweetest and purest Love from the Divine without a doubt.

What else can i ask for? Now by His forced promotion, that is conferred upon me,

I do not need anything to feel Him. He is there all the time with me. I am sure generations to

come will be bitterly envious to us.

He is the very feeling itself. People understood Him in their capacities.

Understanding Him is beyond human capacity. I have understood this!

It is true that we all still miss Him, but it not paining any longer, but a sweet memory that

we all would cherish as long as we stay separated till He calls us back into merger.

Aradhana Mahotsavam 2014. A new dawn

It has been three years...three long years. Now that I am in the US, I have had the opportunity to witness the Aradhana Mahotsavam Celebrations Live from Prasanthi Nilayam on 23rd itself. 

While I was watching the program and the two Krithis composed in veneration of the Sweet lord, I realized that the sting of pain that used to well up was completely absent. 

I was enjoying the beautiful decoration of the Sanctum Sanctorum and the wonderful rendering of the Krithis.

Sanctum Sanctorum at Prasanthi Nilayam on Aradhana Mahotsavam Day 2014

I was parallel processing : why is the sorrow missing? Is it lost in the gala and beautiful decorations put up? Or was it that three years of missing has sunk in and I got used to the new Alter and the apparently empty Throne? Why is this change?

It did not take longer than a couple of moments that all these cannot substitute the beauty and presence of the Lord that I have previously witnessed. It was definitely something deeper. He is present. 

Today on the day of Aradhana, CST, I was reading Sathyam Shivam Sundaram V. In the chapter "His Chosen Teachers" was a narration of Prof. Mukherjee. As I was reading the chapter and was actually soaking the narration of “His beautiful smile, innocence, piercing looks”, I was recollecting the beautiful memories and I had with Him. He was beauty personified. As these things were moving in my mind, I also felt the silent and majestic body, peacefully lying in state during these very days three years ago.

I as asked my self – what was beautiful? The physical body, or the One who was in it?
It is the One who was dwelling in that body that radiated all that joy, beauty and Divinity through it.
If so, where is He now?
He said many times, He is everywhere.
If He is everywhere, at all times, how wonderful it would be if I could Him in That State?
As I was ruminating on this, it more and more dawned on me that He is the only One. He is the One because which that body radiated Divinity, not only that body, but everybody is radiating Divinity. 

As I continued to read, Prof. Mukherjee goes on to say that she realized that Swamy should not be confined to the body. She has realized the Avathar through Sai. This was some time in 2003/4 when the book was being compiled, when the physical was still a midst us. It took a 24/4/11 for me to realize this!

It is a true Aradhana to realize this Truth. It is only the limitations of Maya – “appearance of that which is actually not” makes us forget this Truth!

Concluding with this beautiful photo album: A compilation of Eternal Truths as declared by Sai the Sathya. 

Aradhana Mahotsavam Album.

Avyaja Karuna Murthy - 88th Birthday celebration abroad.

Aum Sri Sai Ram:

This is undoubtedly the most sacred part of the year, celebrating the Birthday of the Lord.

This year was also no exception, except a few changes that I was not in India. While I was longing to
attend the Birthday celebrations, I had no idea how could I go to the nearest Sai Center which is 40 miles away, as I had no vehicle to travel. More over, I had to work on the weekends and hence it seemed almost
sure that I was going to miss this year's Birthday celebrations.

Daily prayers were going on at my home in my Altar of Love that I created with so much or care and love for the Birthday Boy.

It was on the morning of the 20th November that I get an email which reads as follows:

Well that was a surprize for me. Bhajans? in Denton? How on earth, if not sent from Heavens??

I instantly replied saying I would be attending the bhajan. I called the Mrs Asha Tukaram and found out the address, but to my utter surprize, I found out that this place is 13 mi away from my place and it was going to be a challange to reach that place. It was not on the local bus line, and again I needed a car ride to reach there. More over, it was almost 1C through the week, meaning any adventure would be very severe on me.

I wrote a letter to Swamy praying Him to take care of my travel.

On the morning of 21st I called up Sai Gunturi, the Sai Young Adult Coordinator of Dallas region and told him the place is 13 mi away...and even before I said anything he offered me a lift saying he would come to my college and pick me up. I was so floored by this kind gesture of his.

Time quickly rolled by and in the evening it started to rain. The weather forecast showed freezing rain! Temperature was again below zero Celsius. Finally Sai and his family find my college in the heavy rain and pick me up. It was another 20 min drive before we reached the Bhajan venue.

After mangala aarathi, Mrs Asha Tukaram made an announcement.

Main altar in Sri Tukaram's residence. 

She said:

"We wanted to have bhajan at our place for the last Fourteen Years, and our prayers have been fulfilled. Earlier we used to have Bhajan on the evening of 22nd, so that it is the morning of 23rd in India, and coincides with the Birthday celebrations in Pasanthi Nilayam. This year we had bhajan atleast on 21st.
I thank Swamy for this blessing, and I thank all of you for coming from far off places."

Swamy's throne, and Birthday decorations

.

It was then another gentleman made another announcement:

I have just got an email form India from my friend and ex co-sevadal by name Bombay Srinivasan. Here it goes.

This year is a very special year as on 22nd November, it is Kartheeka Krishna Chaturthi, also known as Sankatahara Chaturthi, and Arudra Nakshatram. This is the exact combination of Swamy's birth tithi and birth star. It is very rare that both the tithi and star coincide on same day, and it has happened this year. Thus, on 22nd Nov, (21st Nov US time) is the Birthday of Swamy according to Hindu calender. 

I was so thrilled and shocked, as I actually participated in the Birthday Bhajan of Swamy, according to the actual Hindu calender! and as we know, this is globally applicable, and has no time zones, and hence we were already in Swamy's birthday! This is such a timing and placing that can only be tailored by God. As Swamy says Love my uncertainty.

Invariably bhajan was followed by Bhojan, a delicious Prasadam enjoyed with Sai family members. It wwas now I understood that the person who announced the mail form Bombay Srinivas was none other than the son-in-law of Prof Anil Kumar. Yes the translator of Swamy!!

From left: Daughter of Prof Anil Kumar, his son-in-law, myself and Satish. In the background is the silent Eternal Witness. 

Absolutely thrilled, and wonder struck I was a subject of such wonderful blessing! 

Back in Denton, I watched the live webcast of the birthday celebrations from Prasanthi Nilayam.

On the morning of 23rd, I woke up as usual, prayed to Swamy, and went to work. 

After work, in the evening again played live bhajans, and offered deepam and took photos for sharing and making the memory eternal. 

I wanted to make payasam and cake and offer to Swamy. Strangely, my friend here had invited me to her place for dinner, and at the end before I left handed over to me a boxful of 'rice pudding' and a loaf of Banana cake as a special token of love. It is needless to say that Swamy had accepted the very thought that I should make cake and payasam as Naivedyam and gave me the prasadam in physical form. He is so unique. 

As it is said, I had to come to America to actually discover Swamy. 

Jai Sairam.

The days that changed my life.

It was another Sunday morning, with the difference that we were working that day. I was anxiously checking the RadioSai and SSSBPT websites for Updates on Swamy's health, that were posted at 7AM everymorning.

It was Eight, there was no post, it was Nine, no post, Ten, no post....i was becoming more and more anxious   and was feeling a severe nerve racking current flowing.

Finally, the message was put up on facebook, that He has left the physical body.

That moment was something i cannot describe. I was shying away from looking / having eye contact with fellow Sai devotees, and colleagues. Any sign of sympathy or empathy was just needed to break it all.

Understandably though the news was out on TV, very early that day (or night itself), parents did not call me or update anything. Infact. i did not get a call from home at all.

Later the message was officially put on Radio Sai - Lord decided to bring down the curtains of this avathar. It was just the confirmation that was awaited to make it 'official'.

I remember Rahul called, I asked what is happening? He was composed / sounded composed and said 'What is happening' in a plain tone, to tally resigned to the Divine will.

'It was difficult' to out it in simplest words. Ramachandra came in to Lab. His eyes were speaking, and he was verbally silent. I held his hand and broke down. It just happened.

*He just added this - "Aditya you should be happy you have at least seen Him". Dont cry, be bold, nuvve ila ayipothe mari intlo vallaki migata devotees ki evaru cheparu?

I was not in a mood to listen to any sermon. What had happened was of a different dimension and I was not prepared for it. **

Sumana came in and I was still in tears. She too said "Chee, yedustav enti? Kallu choodu ela ayipoyayo. Yedava koodadu. Have faith"

In no time things started to get ready for the events to follow. I had not once thought to go and see 'Him' for the last time. I knew I was too weak to with stand it. The photos of His lying in state flooded the net, and I did not collect guts to look at them. Not once.

Amidst all this it was a battle within. One side was urging me not to give into emotions, I had to live upto His teaching, and remember that He is not the body, and my heart was weeping loud, excusing -"If not for Him, for whom do these eyes shed tears? If not for Him, for whom shall the self pine? "

It was a mixed 'feeling' . Anger under the influence of the Media, Cheated - as He did not return ( as if He said He would!) , and sorrow of Loosing Him and a small tinge of Joy as He had shed the frail body, into which He very kindly accommodated illnesses also! and a protest - why did You do this?

I went back home. Did not show any signs of reaction. Mother and Father knew what I was undergoing - neither did they ask, nor did I break down. I was blank.

Visuals of people queuing up to have the last sight were on all TVs. I switched on RadioSai. The live proceedings were being aired, and some of the most heart wrenching songs were being sung. But I was not to break down. I just slept on the cot, and was absorbing all the vibrations through the Radio, and was trying to come to terms with what was happening.

Mother is the most sensitive being to the Child.  May be it was Sai mother in Mom, came into my room rushing and piulled me up. She was weeping profusely, and was urging me to open up, and not to cook inside under pressure.

I knew this would happen, and I smiled to her. A sincere loving and love saturated smile. I said "I have no pain. He is God. He cannot leave us. I opened the laptop and calculated the age. Its perfection and exact concurrence with the Divine prediction has brought a smile and momentary solace. At least He has not failed on His word. I showed it to Mama. She saw and just left.

Evening special editions on Sathya Sai Baba were circulating in the market. I did not look at them, nor called or talked to any Sai Friend. I was receding more and more into myself.

Night was more arduous. But some how slipped into deep sleep. News paper had arrived, and I saw the photo of His body lying in a casket in state.

Now some thing happened. I strangely felt This is not Swamy's body!!  This is not the Swamy whom I adored - Loving sweet form...No ways, I could not have been His body...and, This is NOT Swamy.

Very passively went to office. It was feeling so numb, and everything so meaning less and trivial. My manager called me and asked if I was OK, and did I require leave to go and see Him. I said I am OK, and did not wish to go. He knew, and said OK, knowing I was not OK.

Lakhs of people were pouring into to pour their love, news about VVIPs visiting Him was on headlines. But for us the VVIP was someone completely different.

The TV commentators were saying that He would return as Prema Sai. His image was on the TV. This is a genuine thought that sprang up from within - "None can be like Him, The Avathar that just 'ascended' is like no other and nothing can be like it .

I was still not believing all this actually happening. There were curtains over the portico. I felt like a stab in the  chest! I cannot cry, and cannot withstand.

It was so bad that God whom we adored was being treated like that. How dare they go close to Him when He was 'alive' ? The images of His nose bearing plugs, shrinked hair, mouth open, as if He was mortel, whose prana had left from the mouth, and heaps of garlands placced on His chest and stomach in a disorderly way was so frustrating to look at. So called elders were no where to be seen. It was all His nephew taking the center stage.

Strong thoughts of I too leaving for Him were recurring, but I cancelled it, everytime telling myself, there would be a lot of difference the way He left and I would leave, and He would be blamed, if something of such sort happened.

It was all over on the morning of 26th. Three days passed without the sensation of hunger or desire for sleep.

I was all alone in the cab coming back home. I was thinking of Him and this time it was not paining. I was ruminating on the sweet memories He gave me. The Darshans, the chance to offer Padanamaskar,  to having been talked to...and most of all, His love that was so incomparable. A deep sense of gratitude filled my being. At least I had this opportunity when He walked the earth.

It was becoming more and more difficult. It had become a habit to wake up and read "Prasanthi Bulletin - Cheronicles of Heaven on earth" There were no Darshan Updates. By force of Habit I would log in and go to SSSBPT, only to realize the hard fact. Looking at His photos was terrible as they remineded the agony of the 'three' days or the month long yearning. Looking as His loving face was so difficult that for very long time, I got habituated to just look at the lotus Feet.

Life is not going to be same again. I knew this. It is only a matter of His compassion to shower and to wake me up. 

Feelings on the eve of Aradhana Mahotsavam

Cant believe it has been two years that You have "left".

People say time heals everything, may be, You are an exception to this - Kaalateetha!

I still miss those wonderful Darshan sessions, anxious awaiting, and craning of necks to see the
ocher robed Lord!

Your smile so sweet, gestures - inimitable, grace - Grace!

I miss that sweet form, I (we) so dearly adored.

This void will stay for a life time, for It can happen only once, and has happend with You!

How much ever sweeter and elevated Your Omnipresence could be,
but deep in my heart I crave for You, feel for you O beautiful (embodied)  Sai.

I sincerely feel and mean "darsha ke pyaase naina, saanjh savere"

I have just one thing to say - ask : "Just show up buddy"


Aradhana Mahotsavam 22/3/13

Mother...

The most beautiful expression in the Universe - "Mother". 

She God, who gives flesh and blood to the soul!

She starved to feed me,
She shivered to clad me,

She gave me her charming beauty
the handsome person I am today

She is the shield,
The protector and promoter

The wrinkles on her face tell the stories of my naughtiness
The strands of white hair are evidence of the protection she gave me

She is the eternal source of Love and Strength
The reason and essence of my life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB4Es309huU