It was another Sunday morning, with the difference that we were working that day. I was anxiously checking the RadioSai and SSSBPT websites for Updates on Swamy's health, that were posted at 7AM everymorning.
It was Eight, there was no post, it was Nine, no post, Ten, no post....i was becoming more and more anxious and was feeling a severe nerve racking current flowing.
Finally, the message was put up on facebook, that He has left the physical body.
That moment was something i cannot describe. I was shying away from looking / having eye contact with fellow Sai devotees, and colleagues. Any sign of sympathy or empathy was just needed to break it all.
Understandably though the news was out on TV, very early that day (or night itself), parents did not call me or update anything. Infact. i did not get a call from home at all.
Later the message was officially put on Radio Sai - Lord decided to bring down the curtains of this avathar. It was just the confirmation that was awaited to make it 'official'.
I remember Rahul called, I asked what is happening? He was composed / sounded composed and said 'What is happening' in a plain tone, to tally resigned to the Divine will.
'It was difficult' to out it in simplest words. Ramachandra came in to Lab. His eyes were speaking, and he was verbally silent. I held his hand and broke down. It just happened.
*He just added this - "Aditya you should be happy you have at least seen Him". Dont cry, be bold, nuvve ila ayipothe mari intlo vallaki migata devotees ki evaru cheparu?
I was not in a mood to listen to any sermon. What had happened was of a different dimension and I was not prepared for it. **
Sumana came in and I was still in tears. She too said "Chee, yedustav enti? Kallu choodu ela ayipoyayo. Yedava koodadu. Have faith"
In no time things started to get ready for the events to follow. I had not once thought to go and see 'Him' for the last time. I knew I was too weak to with stand it. The photos of His lying in state flooded the net, and I did not collect guts to look at them. Not once.
Amidst all this it was a battle within. One side was urging me not to give into emotions, I had to live upto His teaching, and remember that He is not the body, and my heart was weeping loud, excusing -"If not for Him, for whom do these eyes shed tears? If not for Him, for whom shall the self pine? "
It was a mixed 'feeling' . Anger under the influence of the Media, Cheated - as He did not return ( as if He said He would!) , and sorrow of Loosing Him and a small tinge of Joy as He had shed the frail body, into which He very kindly accommodated illnesses also! and a protest - why did You do this?
I went back home. Did not show any signs of reaction. Mother and Father knew what I was undergoing - neither did they ask, nor did I break down. I was blank.
Visuals of people queuing up to have the last sight were on all TVs. I switched on RadioSai. The live proceedings were being aired, and some of the most heart wrenching songs were being sung. But I was not to break down. I just slept on the cot, and was absorbing all the vibrations through the Radio, and was trying to come to terms with what was happening.
Mother is the most sensitive being to the Child. May be it was Sai mother in Mom, came into my room rushing and piulled me up. She was weeping profusely, and was urging me to open up, and not to cook inside under pressure.
I knew this would happen, and I smiled to her. A sincere loving and love saturated smile. I said "I have no pain. He is God. He cannot leave us. I opened the laptop and calculated the age. Its perfection and exact concurrence with the Divine prediction has brought a smile and momentary solace. At least He has not failed on His word. I showed it to Mama. She saw and just left.
Evening special editions on Sathya Sai Baba were circulating in the market. I did not look at them, nor called or talked to any Sai Friend. I was receding more and more into myself.
Night was more arduous. But some how slipped into deep sleep. News paper had arrived, and I saw the photo of His body lying in a casket in state.
Now some thing happened. I strangely felt This is not Swamy's body!! This is not the Swamy whom I adored - Loving sweet form...No ways, I could not have been His body...and, This is NOT Swamy.
Very passively went to office. It was feeling so numb, and everything so meaning less and trivial. My manager called me and asked if I was OK, and did I require leave to go and see Him. I said I am OK, and did not wish to go. He knew, and said OK, knowing I was not OK.
Lakhs of people were pouring into to pour their love, news about VVIPs visiting Him was on headlines. But for us the VVIP was someone completely different.
The TV commentators were saying that He would return as Prema Sai. His image was on the TV. This is a genuine thought that sprang up from within - "None can be like Him, The Avathar that just 'ascended' is like no other and nothing can be like it .
I was still not believing all this actually happening. There were curtains over the portico. I felt like a stab in the chest! I cannot cry, and cannot withstand.
It was so bad that God whom we adored was being treated like that. How dare they go close to Him when He was 'alive' ? The images of His nose bearing plugs, shrinked hair, mouth open, as if He was mortel, whose prana had left from the mouth, and heaps of garlands placced on His chest and stomach in a disorderly way was so frustrating to look at. So called elders were no where to be seen. It was all His nephew taking the center stage.
Strong thoughts of I too leaving for Him were recurring, but I cancelled it, everytime telling myself, there would be a lot of difference the way He left and I would leave, and He would be blamed, if something of such sort happened.
It was all over on the morning of 26th. Three days passed without the sensation of hunger or desire for sleep.
I was all alone in the cab coming back home. I was thinking of Him and this time it was not paining. I was ruminating on the sweet memories He gave me. The Darshans, the chance to offer Padanamaskar, to having been talked to...and most of all, His love that was so incomparable. A deep sense of gratitude filled my being. At least I had this opportunity when He walked the earth.
It was becoming more and more difficult. It had become a habit to wake up and read "Prasanthi Bulletin - Cheronicles of Heaven on earth" There were no Darshan Updates. By force of Habit I would log in and go to SSSBPT, only to realize the hard fact. Looking at His photos was terrible as they remineded the agony of the 'three' days or the month long yearning. Looking as His loving face was so difficult that for very long time, I got habituated to just look at the lotus Feet.
Life is not going to be same again. I knew this. It is only a matter of His compassion to shower and to wake me up.
It was Eight, there was no post, it was Nine, no post, Ten, no post....i was becoming more and more anxious and was feeling a severe nerve racking current flowing.
Finally, the message was put up on facebook, that He has left the physical body.
That moment was something i cannot describe. I was shying away from looking / having eye contact with fellow Sai devotees, and colleagues. Any sign of sympathy or empathy was just needed to break it all.
Understandably though the news was out on TV, very early that day (or night itself), parents did not call me or update anything. Infact. i did not get a call from home at all.
Later the message was officially put on Radio Sai - Lord decided to bring down the curtains of this avathar. It was just the confirmation that was awaited to make it 'official'.
I remember Rahul called, I asked what is happening? He was composed / sounded composed and said 'What is happening' in a plain tone, to tally resigned to the Divine will.
'It was difficult' to out it in simplest words. Ramachandra came in to Lab. His eyes were speaking, and he was verbally silent. I held his hand and broke down. It just happened.
*He just added this - "Aditya you should be happy you have at least seen Him". Dont cry, be bold, nuvve ila ayipothe mari intlo vallaki migata devotees ki evaru cheparu?
I was not in a mood to listen to any sermon. What had happened was of a different dimension and I was not prepared for it. **
Sumana came in and I was still in tears. She too said "Chee, yedustav enti? Kallu choodu ela ayipoyayo. Yedava koodadu. Have faith"
In no time things started to get ready for the events to follow. I had not once thought to go and see 'Him' for the last time. I knew I was too weak to with stand it. The photos of His lying in state flooded the net, and I did not collect guts to look at them. Not once.
Amidst all this it was a battle within. One side was urging me not to give into emotions, I had to live upto His teaching, and remember that He is not the body, and my heart was weeping loud, excusing -"If not for Him, for whom do these eyes shed tears? If not for Him, for whom shall the self pine? "
It was a mixed 'feeling' . Anger under the influence of the Media, Cheated - as He did not return ( as if He said He would!) , and sorrow of Loosing Him and a small tinge of Joy as He had shed the frail body, into which He very kindly accommodated illnesses also! and a protest - why did You do this?
I went back home. Did not show any signs of reaction. Mother and Father knew what I was undergoing - neither did they ask, nor did I break down. I was blank.
Visuals of people queuing up to have the last sight were on all TVs. I switched on RadioSai. The live proceedings were being aired, and some of the most heart wrenching songs were being sung. But I was not to break down. I just slept on the cot, and was absorbing all the vibrations through the Radio, and was trying to come to terms with what was happening.
Mother is the most sensitive being to the Child. May be it was Sai mother in Mom, came into my room rushing and piulled me up. She was weeping profusely, and was urging me to open up, and not to cook inside under pressure.
I knew this would happen, and I smiled to her. A sincere loving and love saturated smile. I said "I have no pain. He is God. He cannot leave us. I opened the laptop and calculated the age. Its perfection and exact concurrence with the Divine prediction has brought a smile and momentary solace. At least He has not failed on His word. I showed it to Mama. She saw and just left.
Evening special editions on Sathya Sai Baba were circulating in the market. I did not look at them, nor called or talked to any Sai Friend. I was receding more and more into myself.
Night was more arduous. But some how slipped into deep sleep. News paper had arrived, and I saw the photo of His body lying in a casket in state.
Now some thing happened. I strangely felt This is not Swamy's body!! This is not the Swamy whom I adored - Loving sweet form...No ways, I could not have been His body...and, This is NOT Swamy.
Very passively went to office. It was feeling so numb, and everything so meaning less and trivial. My manager called me and asked if I was OK, and did I require leave to go and see Him. I said I am OK, and did not wish to go. He knew, and said OK, knowing I was not OK.
Lakhs of people were pouring into to pour their love, news about VVIPs visiting Him was on headlines. But for us the VVIP was someone completely different.
The TV commentators were saying that He would return as Prema Sai. His image was on the TV. This is a genuine thought that sprang up from within - "None can be like Him, The Avathar that just 'ascended' is like no other and nothing can be like it .
I was still not believing all this actually happening. There were curtains over the portico. I felt like a stab in the chest! I cannot cry, and cannot withstand.
It was so bad that God whom we adored was being treated like that. How dare they go close to Him when He was 'alive' ? The images of His nose bearing plugs, shrinked hair, mouth open, as if He was mortel, whose prana had left from the mouth, and heaps of garlands placced on His chest and stomach in a disorderly way was so frustrating to look at. So called elders were no where to be seen. It was all His nephew taking the center stage.
Strong thoughts of I too leaving for Him were recurring, but I cancelled it, everytime telling myself, there would be a lot of difference the way He left and I would leave, and He would be blamed, if something of such sort happened.
It was all over on the morning of 26th. Three days passed without the sensation of hunger or desire for sleep.
I was all alone in the cab coming back home. I was thinking of Him and this time it was not paining. I was ruminating on the sweet memories He gave me. The Darshans, the chance to offer Padanamaskar, to having been talked to...and most of all, His love that was so incomparable. A deep sense of gratitude filled my being. At least I had this opportunity when He walked the earth.
It was becoming more and more difficult. It had become a habit to wake up and read "Prasanthi Bulletin - Cheronicles of Heaven on earth" There were no Darshan Updates. By force of Habit I would log in and go to SSSBPT, only to realize the hard fact. Looking at His photos was terrible as they remineded the agony of the 'three' days or the month long yearning. Looking as His loving face was so difficult that for very long time, I got habituated to just look at the lotus Feet.
Life is not going to be same again. I knew this. It is only a matter of His compassion to shower and to wake me up.
